Log in

No account? Create an account
Kokoro no Yami [entries|friends|calendar]
この 闇 の 辺り

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[7.27.09 - 12.26pm]
[ mood | cynical ]

I haven't posted in such a long time, and I feel so out of the loop...on a lot of things. I see I even made a couple of new friends while I was away. Hello.

I'm a little frazzled and depressed right now for a couple of reasons.

1.) I can't wait for school to begin. I hate saying that because you're supposed to love your kids, and I do, but Jamie is impossible to please. I can't keep doing things one-on-one with him all day long because he has an older brother and a younger sister who need attention, too, and this really seems to piss him off. So he yells all day long. It's starting to get on my nerves, and it shouldn't. I'm only human, after all, I guess.

2.) I really wanted to move back to Minneapolis in August, but that looks like it's not going to happen. Jeremy wants to move in September now (for many valid reasons), but I feel as if we don't move now, we'll never move away from this godforsaken state. The longer I stay here, the more depressed I become. I'm starting to feel like a caged animal.

3.) It's frustrating to talk to your shemale neighbor and be told that "you don't understand what it's like to think like a guy and want to be treated like a woman". Hello? I grew up in a mostly male household with a lot of male friends, so I believe I do know what it's like to think like a guy because I've been doing that a good portion of my life which is why I have a hard time making friends with girls. Hell, it's also probably the reason I can't keep a girlfriend. I wanted to ask, "Do you know what it feels like to have one half of your soul satisfied while the other half is still crying out to be resolved?" I'll probably never have another girlfriend until my kids are grown or old enough to understand, at least, and since Jamie will most likely never go to college, get a job, or get married, I'll never have someone to complete that other half.

4.) I don't understand my brothers. The both of them (along with my father) are now on Facebook, so I figured, "Hey, Facebook is an easy way to talk to them and maintain some sort of family-like relationship." No. One brother defriends me because I "don't agree with his politics" and "make him feel dumb". Then the oldest one stops talking to me because he's siding with the other one. Well, hey, I understand. I mean, I came to the family way late in the game, and you two are closer. Gee, what I wouldn't give to have a younger sister or brother with whom I could be close, too. Again, why was I born?

5.) I keep putting off writing even though I wish I didn't. There's too many distractions around here (kids, modding games, etc), and I suppose I also feel a little terrible for waiting so long to update. I know that I keep gaining more readers (threatening to kick my ass into gear), but I can't help feeling that no one wants to keep up with a story that can't be updated regularly, so no one's reading anymore. I have a chapter ready to go and two more new stories in my head, but I keep refraining from uploading because of these reasons.

5.) I can't keep in contact with what friends I do have, and I've started wondering lately if I do have any friends because of this. I don't mean to grow apart from people. Underneath it all, I'm still a loner who doesn't know what to say to people sometimes. I feel especially bad about this because there are many wonderful projects I'd love to do with Marcos, but I'm sure he's too busy for me, and who in their right mind would want to deal with my inconsistent schedule?

I'm starting to go crazy with claustrophobia, being in this damn house, but there's no place to go outside (and too many murders and rapes taking place in this neighborhood).

3 arrows through the heart | Purify Me

[1.20.09 - 8.51am]
[ mood | cheerful ]

What a strange dream! I was being chased down by zombies, only to be rescued by Paul McCartney on a flying piano. Yeah. In his Wings mullet.

In any case, today is the big day! I get to be a part of another piece of history (better, this time). Welcome, President Obama! I know you'll do what's within your power to fix the mess Bush left, and I thank you.

Oh, that reminds me...wonder what 11th Hour Miracle Pardons Bush performed yesterday?

Purify Me

Here Comes The Sun. [1.18.09 - 12.35pm]
[ mood | productive ]

Bah, I've been neglecting this, but this would have been filled with useless drivel and angst on my part. See, I've been in and out of doctors' offices and hospitals over the past few months (bad case of walking pneumonia and red bloody-looking stuff coming from orifices that it shouldn't). Then my oldest son was diagnosed with asthma. And well, December is just a depressing month for me (for many reasons), so I haven't felt like doing much (although my writing muse has returned somewhat). Oh, and I nearly forgot about the horrid temperatures we've been experiencing here, and being without hot water for a long time because the pipes froze and broke underneath the house.

Winters suck for me, in general. I wonder if I have SAD to top it all off? When Spring comes round again, I'll feel fine.

I got Norman's book for Christmas, so I'm working my way through that when I've got time (and the massive amounts of posts I've missed, especially the drama at JHP). I admit to trying to flip through the back part of the book to find the whole "John's Princess" stuff, but I've yet to be successful. I apparently missed Paul on Stern and all the chaos that generated, dammit. Still giggling like crazy over Paul liking the theory that John was gay for him.

Kagome will be 5 on the 26th. Boy, time flies. The last of my babies will finally be in school full-time next year.

Next month, I'll be 31 and officially OLD. And lucky me, my birthday is Friday the 13th! See? I AM CURSED. XD

Oh, for those who don't know, I'm on Facebook a lot, so find out about adding me and whatnot.

9 arrows through the heart | Purify Me

[10.6.08 - 1.37pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

My oldest brother apparently worked out Junk on his mandolin a few months back. Sounds beautiful. He's got a new octave mandolin that a friend made for him, and he's been playing a lot of Hendrix and Floyd stuff on it. The Hendrix stuff sounds especially awesome.

My father told me the other day that Jim and Gordon Bonham won a contest here in Indy. I'm guessing a Blues-related contest. In any case, in February, they go to Memphis for the international portion? Here's hoping they win that, too.

Also, apparently my brothers performed for family a few weeks back at my mother's house (they haven't done this in ages and did it for my grandfather who's supposedly dying from cancer). Only one day after the fact does my mother mention this to me.

Mom: Jim and Phil came to the house and played for us yesterday. I haven't heard my boys play in years!

Me: (teeth grinding) Oh, really? I wish I could have been there. I haven't been with them in the same room (with the exception of Grandma's funeral) since high school (and now I'm old enough to join in, dammit).

Mom: I don't know why I didn't think to invite you! It slipped my mind!

Me: ... [facepalm.jpg]

My oldest nephew, Andrew (Phil's son), even played a song he'd learned. God dammit.

Why do people in my family forget that I am musically-inclined, too? Fuck, it's like days of old where Jim and Phil are the awesome ones, and I'm just the retarded little sister. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong to this family.


I miss doing things together. I still remember a tape of songs Phil and I made when I was little. I think Mom and Dad had just separated.

I wish I could have been good enough (or old enough) to go on stage with them.

Now I am, but I'm too old, too far away, and too scared that I'll never measure up. Yes, they are that damn good.

Of course, I suppose I shouldn't worry. Mr. Hyde told me time and again that I was good enough to get into Juilliard...but who knows if he was just saying that shit to be nice.

I miss singing.

Purify Me

Yes, it's going to get emo. [10.3.08 - 10.15pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

I just want to give up, really. Jeremy and I have been arguing a lot lately, and when I admit that I'm just scared about shit, it's like he never even heard me. Now we aren't talking. I have no one to talk to but this goddamn journal.

I'm the first one to say that I'm not perfect, so it really irks me when people tell me all about my flaws as if I don't know these things.

Maybe everything really is my fault. I don't know anymore. I'm going so crazy, I don't know what's real.

Heh, earlier, I had someone on Youtube call me an asshole and tell me that I should die, literally. Just because I said that their statement about "all music beyond The Beatles sucks" is a tad ignorant, and that they should consider looking for bands that have been influenced by The Beatles if they don't like the rest of what today's rock/pop has to offer.

So I should die for saying that.

I don't know. Maybe.

Sometimes, I wish this would end. I'm too old for this shit. Everything hurts so much now.

1 arrows through the heart | Purify Me

[9.24.08 - 9.49pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

Man, oh man, I hope the news about a Beatles-related Guitar Hero game is true. I've been waiting for that (and Pink Floyd and Jethro Tull and) since we first bought the game. Of course, the game is changing and becoming more like Rock Band which means I'll be able to sing the hell out of their catalog. If it works out like the Aerosmith one (and their early early QM, JM, and SB stuff starts out the game), then I will be hella thrilled. Three Cool Cats and Besame Mucho are two of my favorites to sing. cha cha boom!

I promise to be a good girl during the next year if it's made.

Also, are House writers taking ideas from fanfiction? House is so obviously hot for Wilson, someone put out the fire.

1 arrows through the heart | Purify Me

Blah. [9.19.08 - 7.13pm]
[ mood | blah ]

My moods are swinging like crazy without medication. T'is why I avoid the 'net like the plague when it happens. I can only post non-emo stuff properly when I'm manic, in any case. However, right now, it's that "limbo" point between the highs and the lows. You know, blah.

I'd like to say, for the record, that if the news about John Lennon and his SUPAH SEKRIT SKOOLGURL CRUSH on Paul McCartney is true please oh please oh please be true, I won't find it a bit surprising (for reasons Dad told me). Hell, I find it mildly depressing somewhat if you take into consideration that -- let's just muse for a minute here; not saying that anything outside of the "crush" happened -- if those two did actually partake in any kind of relationship with each other, it would have to be a secret because sodomy was quite against the law then. prudes Can you imagine having to keep your love under wraps? I sure as hell can, as I've done it before. It's difficult to keep your feelings to yourself. Very difficult. Something always slips through.

I have so many things I should be doing, but what the hell.

Just because. Plucked from Astrid.Collapse )

3 arrows through the heart | Purify Me

You know it's going to be a strange day when... [8.13.08 - 12.28pm]
1.) I need to stop dreaming about being a Beatles groupie in the '60s. While the threesomes with John and Paul are quite wonderful, it's starting to affect my daily living when I see photos of the band, and I start feeling really warm and gooey inside; at my age, I'm not sure if this is just the remainders of crushes I had when I was little or if it's a precursor to menopause.

2.) Also, so we were visiting family over the weekend (fun fun FUN conversations with my dad about the likelihood of Paul and John being SUPAH SEKRIT LOVAHZ; he thought they might be too, given the era), and this song pops up on Sirius Alternative Nation by a band called The Wombats. Good God, I am in love with it after I hear it a few times (because you know radio -- songs get repeated every few hours), and it comes as no surprise really when I discover that the band is from Liverpool with the whole lot of them coming from Paul's Institute for the Arts school. Listening to the album, you can easily point out different influences. Yay for Joy Division reference, too.

3.) And so, something a tad creepy happens (as it always does with me). I'm going through various old stories and run across one about some John Lennon lookalike kid in Liverpool finding out he really is the reincarnation of John. The kid's name is Marcus, he plays and sings like John, and he can't quite figure out why he adores Paul so much even though he isn't that big of a Beatles fan. Great story, but in any case, I come across a picture of the Wombat band members and am kind of shocked to see how much one of them looks like John. So he's a drummer, but the kicker is that the guy's middle name is Marcus. Jesus Christ. And that is enough creepiness for me today.

4.) The kids went back to school yesterday, so I finally have some time to sit and type again. I'm busy trying to remember what I'd written, and so far, I've gotten down most of what I'd had (with a few revisions, of course) for the next chapter of SWOE.

5.) I know it's a few days late now, but I never got a chance to say it yet -- Happy Birthday, Blondie!

6.) Kagome's first name probably should have been Helga instead. While she may be sweet and thoughtful (sometimes) like her anime counterpart, she spends more time acting like, well, you know. Her favorite thing at the moment is the word hell as in, "What the hell, Mom?" or "What the hell are you doing, guys?" Seriously, I hear this every day. That, and she called one of the parakeets "Fuckface" yesterday (hey now, I didn't teach her that one). Very clever independent little cuss for only four.

7.) I wish we could get insurance here. I'm kind of weak and tired all of the time right now, but I can't do a damn thing about it. Just have to work through it.

8.) I also found out over the weekend that my asshole uncle has taken over everything to do with my grandpa. He won't let the doctors tell my grandpa that he's going to die soon, and he also won't let anyone tell Grandpa that his house has been sold. Fucking dammit. Stupid fat bastard.
4 arrows through the heart | Purify Me

Part Deux [7.29.08 - 5.53pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

So I ran out of time whilst discussing the "What Happened To Me This Year" neo-modern dramedy. Thus, this is part two of the whole mess.

Some time back in February (or January; can't quite remember now), my grandma broke her hip. Well, this started a shitload of stress for Mom. Up until the accident, Grandma had been caring for Grandpa (who's been on oxygen support for quite a while now) with help every now and then from the family. After the accident, Mom, my aunts, and my selfish bastard of an uncle were at odds with one another trying to figure out who would care for their parents. They couldn't really afford a nurse, but the only one without a job who could move in to help out was my uncle, and it was "too much work for him". So Mom and her sisters put them in a nursing home, and each one helped to pay for their care. This has caused bad blood between Mom and Luscill, but actually, this should have happened years before now because he's always being a nasty fuck. Hell, the fat bastard even molested his sisters when they were all little, and it was swept under the rug because he was my grandparents "precious sonny boy". Meh.

Being the oldest, Mom had to deal with talks of selling their childhood home, wills, and whatnot. She'd been happy when the talks ceased, and she thought they were getting better (they even returned home). However, this was short-lived because it was evident that Grandma could no longer care for Grandpa, and her health was getting worse. So back to Manderley they went.

The end of May comes along, and after going quite a while without checking my email, something in my head clicked, and I was struck with the determination to sit down and log on. Good thing I did because I noticed a very recent email from Dad talking about Grandma being in Christ Hospital down in Cincinnati.

My mistake, here. I'd been meaning to give Dad my phone number when we moved, but I kept getting too busy to do so (with the kids' schools still in session at the time), so the only way he could get in touch with me was via email. Really though, it's not as if I could have gotten down there in time to see her, and with the way Mom's family works, I doubt I would have been allowed in, so sitting around waiting for her to die was pointless. To me, anyway. What could I have changed?

In any case, her death got me speaking with one of my older brothers again. Phil wasn't too pleased with the way things went. Mom was too distraught (or something) to place phone calls to us, her own kids (although she was able to call others in the family -- family with looser ties than us), so Aunt Dana was put to the task (my phone call came from Dad, who wasn't fond of his former mother-in-law anyway). Phil and I were left out of things, and as for Jim...dammit, I can't really remember clearly, but I think he was at work while all of this was going on.

The wonderful thing is that when Grandma broke her hip, apparently, the small shitacular hospital she went to didn't bother to check thoroughly, and all of those months before she died, she had internal injuries from the fall. Great.

Went to her visitation down in Osgood. I hadn't been through that town in nearly 6 years. Some things have changed, a lot hasn't (such as the locals crashing family events if they think they can score something for free). I saw people at that funeral...I have no fucking clue as to whom they are. Sadly, it seems that these events are the only damn time I get to see my great-aunt Esther (Dad's aunt) with whom I am the closest in either family (odd fact: she's my dad's aunt, and she dates my mom's uncle Earl). Of course, Jim was the last to show up (having to come from Bloomington and work) with his family, and as always, he is the epitome of perfection and propriety while Phil and I seem to be looked upon as immature losers. Phil was dressed casually, I opted for something black and not-so-warm on a hot day, and Jim looked like he was going to officiate the fucking funeral in that suit of his (even his wife was dressed casually, Christ). And to conclude the entertaining evening, I watched as Jim seemed to be throwing a "Who's Got The Bigger Dick" contest with Phil concerning the intelligence of their children. I guess I'm the only one with average (or less than average) kids. Hooray.

I was going to go to the funeral the following morning, but Devin's bus was very late, and there was no way we could get down to Osgood before 10am (everything would be over). Eh, Phil didn't stick around for the get-together afterward, and it's not as if I felt like hanging around Jim, "Mr. Seriousness". My IQ drops 100 points whenever I'm in his presence.

Mom sold her childhood home recently, so no more huge family holidays in that cramped house. I wonder what we'll do now?

In the midst of all of this, Grandpa tripped over his oxygen cord in the nursing home while trying to help a friend, and he hurt his hip, too. Unfortunately, the doctors discovered that his cancer is back, and he doesn't have very long either. Two grandparents gone in the span of a few months. No more grandparents for me (I never really knew Dad's parents as they died when I was little).

Won't be much longer, and my brothers and I will be doing this shit for our own parents. Jesus. Do they also get up in the morning, look at themselves in the mirror, and wonder, "When did I get so old?"

Most of my peers (like Jeremy) have parents who just turned 50 (or are approaching 50), so they don't have these concerns yet. This is what happens when everyone is so much older than you. I really am the baby of the goddamn family.

Purify Me

There is no subject. [7.21.08 - 3.26pm]
This has been a ridiculous year, honestly. I just finally started feeling a little better, having figured out a few of my health problems (and even some mental/emotional ones), and -- here's the part where I SWEAR that a fucking black cloud follows me wherever I go -- then life goes to hell again. First, Jeremy starts slipping into a diabetic coma after a few months of feeling like shit; he could have died (his sugar levels were off the charts to the point that they were unreadable, according to the physicians, and they had no idea how he was still walking). Then we moved back to the state that I hate most in the US -- Indiana. With all of our past issues with my mother-in-law, Jeremy still wanted to help her out as she's been living in Greensburg, and the house was just sitting there empty with it about to be foreclosed...so we moved back into the house. At least it's just us this time around. The bathroom sink doesn't work, the toilet works only half of the time, and the floor always feels like it's going to cave in, but the payments are cheaper, so what the hell. Cheaper is what matters in these wonderful times. Jesus, Obama can't get into the White House quickly enough for me.

It's the same old neighbors (mostly) as before, but this time, I'm getting to know them (some I don't wish to). Our neighbor to the right is a prick who thinks that everyone must accommodate him (so I've been told from other neighbors), the neighbor to the left is brand new, the neighbor directly across from us is remodeling their house and tearing the fuck out of our yard and peace to do so, and the neighbor diagonal from us is a she-male who's OK unless you get her drunk, and then she's a psychotic dick. She wants me to write a trilogy detailing her birth as a whole new person and the life she's lead. I've got enough to do as it is.

MY GODDAMN COMPUTER CRASHED WHEN WE MOVED HERE. I can't remember what caused it now (the sound card or video card...can't remember), but I lost everything. My novel, short stories, and new chapters went bye-bye when Jeremy reinstalled Winshit, and I was just so thoroughly pissed that I forgot to see if we could pull them from the hard drive before reinstalling. The whole situation turned me off writing, as can plainly be seen. Actually, today's the first day since the mess back in March where I've felt calm enough to write anything, so I'll eventually start typing up stuff from memory. Slow agonizing process, that.

I hate Indiana with a passion, and when I live here, I am reminded bitterly of why that is. This state is so ass-backwards and behind the times in everything, it isn't funny. Everyone is a prejudice cunt who cares only for what can be done for them. Yes, I do realize that it's basic instinct to worry over one's self uberalle (I can't be arsed to remember the code for umlauts right now), but I've worked really, really hard this year to "do the right thing and help others," and Indiana's collective attitude is reminding me why I've always felt that it's a waste of precious time. I get sick of the racist and homophobic shit, and while every place in the US has its share of ignorant jackasses, I swear that it's at its worst here. After all, this is the birthplace of the modern (20th century) KKK.

It's a struggle, really. You have queers (this would be anyone and everyone who falls into this label -- the "non-vanilla" people out there, like myself) who are beaten for just trying to love and live (like my brother-in-law just the other day), and then you have queers who make it their soul existence to live the stereotypes just for the shockhorror value. Switch "queer" with any other cause (ie. "black," "latino," "women's rights," etc.), and it's the same thing again. This state, if not mankind, is a good example of why we will never live together without some sort of ongoing drama.

Eh, sorry. We have no insurance in this state (the only state where it's difficult to get insurance), and I'm without my medication -- another reason why I feel so blah. I go back and forth from feeling on top of the world to feeling like I twisting on a stake in hell. I'm also panicky lately because of no anti-anxiety meds. Sometimes, it's as if I'm having a heart attack. I can't breathe, my arm tingles, and my chest hurts. Damn anxiety.

Hope everyone is doing OK. I don't have a lot of time to myself while the kids are out of school, but I try to keep up on how everyone is even if I can't comment.

Oh, if you heard about the tornadoes that struck Indianapolis at the end of May/beginning of June...yeah, we were in the middle of that. Scary shit.

Got to go for now. Have more work to do.
1 arrows through the heart | Purify Me

FUCK ME. [10.8.07 - 10.14am]
[ mood | disgruntled ]

My apologies for not being around the net so much. Some days I feel fine, and others, I feel like hell. I'm still losing weight (of course, we also just got an exercise bike, so hopefully, I'll stop being such big flabs of fatless skin now). The results of my EGD came last week, finally. I have to go back to see the guy who performed it. Apparently, I have polyps. I thought Dr. Harrison said they were in my stomach...or perhaps they're closer to my colon. Who knows. In any case, a biopsy was done to rule out cancer, but there are no results for that right now (guess I'll get those when I go back to see the guy). In any case, these may be causing lots of pain for me, and I also have a hiatal hernia which is causing a lot of problems (chest pains and my newly diagnosed asthma).

Add to that the herniated disc I may have in my spine. It's starting to cause me to be a little paralyzed sometimes. I'm having an MRI done for that tomorrow.

Mr. Cute Black Dude is still hitting on me, even though I told him I'm married. I told him that my husband and I may have an open marriage, but I'm extremely shy (and, heh, irritable) around guys (even more so with girls). That really didn't discourage him (considering that he was trying to cop a feel). I seriously cannot be "so hot" that he can't stop thinking about me. There's no way. I admit that the attention is nice (because rarely do I ever have people hitting on me, even though I supposedly have people "checking me out" and "flirting with me" all the time...I just don't notice), but I'm starting to get a little nervous, and when I get nervous, I become downright bitchy. Frankly, I'm sure that Mr. Cute Black Dude just wants a booty call, and he's just pulling out the old standbys -- "you have such pretty eyes" and "you don't seem happy" -- in order to make me think that he "understands" me. Please, I wasn't born yesterday. Yeah, he wanted to "talk" again this morning after I dropped Devin off at school, but I blew him off (partially because I was trying to get new glasses, too).

While I don't mind being friendly, MCBD, I don't just jump in the sack (I have to be totally in love with you for that to even happen). Fuck, I can't even remember your damn name, so sex is definitely out of the question. Please realize that while I may like sex and talking about sex, me actually doing those acts with a complete stranger is not happening. Ever. I'm not like the rest of the women in this neighborhood.

What sucks is that I used to like walking Devin to school, but now that I always have to go past this guy's house...meh. And I don't want to start taking another route to Devin's school because that just looks ridiculous.

It's the whole strong-willed guy thing. Every time I'm in the presence of a guy that just exudes masculinity and dominance, I stop thinking coherently. Well, no, I don't start humping things, but it does become difficult to act properly.

That's the case with our landlord, too. First, he fucked us over with the lease. He was supposed to pay for water/sewage and trash removal, but after the trash got cut off, I found out that he was never going to do these things even if it specified in the lease that he would. I'm not an idiot; I know we could have taken him to court to get this resolved, but I was so afraid of getting evicted that I just gave in. Then we had to deal with this broken toilet that took a while to get fixed (he refused to believe that it was cracked and leaking), so now we'll get our first water bill later this month (for some odd reason, the water bill gets issued every 90 days here), and it's going to be hella expensive just because the damn toilet flooded part of the basement while it was broken.

Now, he called Saturday, asking about the rent. I told him that we sent it out on the 5th (because according to our lease, we have 5 days to get it to him, and he's always known that we get our disability checks on the 3rd -- plus, we've always either sent it out on the 4th or the 5th). A few months ago, we sent it out on the 5th, his wife called the next day, I told her, and she was fine with it (because we got it out on the 5th). However, this month, I talk to her husband, and he says we owe him another $25 because it's "late". It doesn't seem to matter that we sent it out on the 5th. He goes into this big spiel about how he gives everyone a couple of days because he knows it's hard to get it out before the 1st, and I just clammed up. I hung up and told Jeremy, and needless to say, he's livid. He refuses to pay the $25. As for me, I can't sleep now thanks to this. I'd rather that Jeremy just cough up the money and deal with it, even if I do find this shit to be ridiculous, and I know we're getting screwed. Perhaps I should call a lawyer. Fuck, I don't know what to do. First this health shit, and now this. I have no good luck.

1 arrows through the heart | Purify Me

[9.21.07 - 11.01am]
Not much up here. Just staying busy to keep my mind off stuff. Two weeks after my EGD, and still no call about results. I'd like to think it's a good thing, but I'm aware that my doctor is gone until sometime next week, so that's probably why I haven't heard anything.

Working on stories for the most part. Also gaming a lot. I just downloaded the Bon Voyage EP for Sims 2, but I haven't installed it yet. Geez, considering that it literally breaks the game when you install it (so many damn bugs), I figure that EA has gotten enough of my money over the past decade, and I'm not shelling out $40 for something this poorly coded.

We also got a Wii recently, so I'm currently addicted to Zelda again (as I will be when the next Mario game comes out, and Metroid Prime also looks pretty sweet). However, about a week back, it died in the middle of gaming (eye inside isn't functioning), so it has to be sent back to New York for repairs. Thankfully, it's all free (for shipping and repair).

I want one of these. It's cheap, and it's nifty (a guy on Craigslist was selling one for $100 that was only two months old, but I emailed him too late).

I've also contemplated the idea of getting a violin. I've always wanted to learn to play, but my dad wasn't the kind of guy who'd pay for lessons (considering that my older brothers are self-taught, but I'm not as gifted as they are in that department). I guess I could try to teach myself...it can't be that hard. I taught myself to play a little piano years ago, and I can play the drums. I tried to learn guitar and bass from my brothers a long time ago, but I had a hard time building up the callouses needed for fretting...and I had a difficult time getting my little arms around the instruments.

It's to the point that I'm even dreaming about playing one in my sleep.

Eh, maybe I should just get a keyboard again. At least I know how to play that.

I need to make a run to the local bookstore, too, to see if I can score a nice Psychology textbook. I know a lot of stuff from having taken a class in it, and a lot of stuff I've read on my own. Personally, I know a lot about the specific disorders for which I'm writing, but it would be nice to have a reference.

Heh, I got hit on while walking home from taking Devin to school. Some random cute black guy tapped on my shoulder and asked me if I'm single because I'm "very attractive". I just kind of laughed and told him that I'm married (and that I'm not attractive). Part of me wants to believe that he was genuinely honest, but the other part figures that he was just looking for a quick fuck, and I was the only vagina available. Or maybe he was just being nice. Hell, I don't know.

Catch you all later.
Purify Me

A Wistful Whangdepootenawah of Woebegone. [9.4.07 - 5.38pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]

OK, I've really got to start putting more effort into this novel I'm working on.

Damn, I sit here listening to my older brothers jamming on YouTube, and I think, "God, look at all they've accomplished. What the fuck have I done again?" Yeah, so they got all of the instrumental talent, and I got the vocal. Outside of singing in school and winning awards, what else have I done with it?

I'm sick of being told I'm talented at something. I'm sick of looking good enough to be a professional, but I lack the self-esteem to go and become one. Why?

I'm afraid of rejection and failure. Pure and simple.

Success has always come with a price. It's like I'm waiting for the "...but" to come, constantly. I'm expecting it to happen. Being in PACE: "You're a smart kid, but you don't attend church, so I'm afraid you'll have to leave the group." Honor Society: "We'd love to let you join, but you have to participate in community activities like church." Senior Art Award: "You're a great artist, really, but your work is too weird and adult to win scholarships from the local groups, so you'll have to settle for this award." National Choral Award: "You're the best singer I've conducted, outside of your older brother, but if you don't pick it up these last few days in time for graduation, you're going to make me regret giving you that award." Holy fuck, I had a sore throat, and I was beyond depressed because I was graduating and moving away at the same time. What the hell did he want me to do? One hoarse soprano can't make up for 7 other dumb cunts who either lip sync or sing so softly you could hear a fucking pin drop!

Writing is what I've always had to keep me going. It's the only thing I have that sets me apart from my brothers, where I can actually feel sort of special when people say, "Wow, you're so good! How do you do that?"

It's the only thing I've ever done where I can remember receiving some praise from my dad.

I was 11, and my parents were newly divorced. It's not as if I'd never written anything before, but it was after that when I started to really pick up the tempo -- working on more than just fanciful romantic poetry crap, more than just wannabe rock song lyrics. I'd been reading through my dad's Stephen King collection (something verboten with my mom around), and I'd started writing my first horror story. One day, my dad picked it up while I was in the bathroom, read through some of it, and when I returned, he asked me about it. I can still hear his voice in my head: "This is really good."

Ever since that moment, I knew what my main passion had to be. If my writing was enough to get his attention, then I was talented. I could find my place in life, my calling. I could be someone special. I could finally have a chance to shine on my own and not be compared to my older brothers.

If I had a band, our name would be Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness. Yeah, yeah...Billy Corgan beat me to it with an album, but still. Misery is like a loyal mistress to me, and she must be obeyed.

So many thoughts racing through my head, but they all pulsate to the same rhythm...a never-ending chorus together singing an aria of "If you make it, everyone will love you."

It cannot be denied.

1 arrows through the heart | Purify Me

With asshattery and wankiness for all. [9.1.07 - 6.23pm]
[ mood | amused ]

You know, just when you think you've escaped the wank, it comes back out of the shadows to assrape you.

First, there was a bit of wankiness a few days after the Craig chat with unedited copies of the chat ending up on a few sites. Yay, HA mini-drama. All is good again now.

And then there's the Sims 2 community with its never-ending angst over paysites. I hate paysites, too, because they go against the principles of the game, but hell they aren't going anywhere. Unless EA outright forbids them and starts going after people, but that isn't going to happen, considering they're all "buddy-buddy" with Thoma$$$ -- the mastermind behind The Sims Resource.

Then someone at a simming forum mentioned this comic strip generator, and inspiration struck. So now, I'm working on a comic strip dealing with all sorts of "lulz" I've experienced from many different fandoms. I'm starting with 4chan, since /b/tards, newfagz, and pedobear-wannabes contribute to tons of wank, thus making 4chan its own strange sort of fandom.

Here's my little website with the first one of a set.

Purify Me

Kitteh! [8.28.07 - 10.43am]
[ mood | sore ]

A few months back, I mentioned that we got a kitten and named her Marie (after the kitten from one of my favorite Disney movies, The Aristocats). Well, now she's a cat, for the most part, and back at the beginning of August, we decided to get her a little friend so she wouldn't be so lonely when we went somewhere. The kitten turned out to be a male, so no big deal. He's adorable, and he reminds me of my other favorite Disney movie cat...so we named him Oliver (from Oliver and Company).

Heh, can't you tell that I love cats and movies about cats?

In any case, Jeremy took a picture: Oliver.

And here's a recent one of Marie. Who looks like she's part Siamese, seriously. Dammit, now I'm reminded of those annoying, singing Siamese cats from Lady and the Tramp.

This picture of her needs to be turned into a cat macro with the added text: IMMA FIRIN UP MAH LAZERZ! Geez.

4 arrows through the heart | Purify Me

Aftermath. [8.26.07 - 12.46am]
[ mood | amused ]

The chat was great and hilarious. Craig and Lisa showed up (Lisa only stayed for a little bit to talk about The Simpsons Movie), Jim showed up, and so did Fran. To Kim and other old HA boarders, Craig says, "Hi!" He wishes you could have been there.

Steve's setting up a solo Fran chat for sometime soon. She's doing more voice acting again.

As all HA chats go, this one had sex talk near the end. Thank God Steve's cutting all of that off, or Craig would wonder what kind of monsters he's created. (More talk about Helga's Parrot with the "Good night, little buddy!" line...and talks of Helga naming the monitor lizard, Arnold, and the fanfics it would spawn...and pairing up Wartz with Simmons.)

[fangirl mode] Craig dedicated Helga on the Couch to me! [/fangirl mode]

The greatest part was the idiots who came on there, thinking I was the voice actress of Ruth. Seriously. We kept telling them that I was just a fan, and this idiot kept typing, "PLEASE RUTH CRAIG AND FRANNY MAKE NICK REHIRE YOU!!! OR MAKE THEM PUT HA ON DVD!!!" Finally, toward the end, we were laughing so much and having so much fun that another idiot came on and said the same thing, asking me to stay (I was leaving), so I finally typed, "THANK YOU HEY ARNOLD FANS AND RUTH FANS" and left the other chatters laughing.

Gah, got to go to bed. See you all later.

3 arrows through the heart | Purify Me

Chat with Craig Bartlett tonight. [8.25.07 - 2.37pm]
Don't know how many people know, but in honor of the fifth anniversary of Steve's (used to be Arnoldfan85 at the old Ezboard) website, Arnold's Room, we're getting one last chat with Craig (and possibly Jim Lang). This is it, folks. If you want to say hi to Craig or ask some questions, tonight's the night to do it!

From Steve's main page: The Arnold's Room 5th Anniversary Chat with Craig Bartlett (and most likely Jim Lang) is tomorrow, Saturday, August 25th, 2007 at 8pmEST. You no longer have to be a member of the site to chat as with the events last year. You need to have updated Java for it to work, or download a chat client. Need a tutorial if you’re new at chatting? Click here. Have a good time everyone!

If you've got an IRC client, the server is freenode, and the channel is #arnoldsroom. Otherwise, if you follow the link for "click here," you'll find the link to the java applet chat on Kim's site.

It would be cool to see some of us older fans there. You know whom you are. ;)
2 arrows through the heart | Purify Me

[8.22.07 - 1.19pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

Argh. Forget what I said yesterday. I saw the OB-Gyn, and apparently, this isn't the cause of my pain (according to her), and it doesn't need to be removed. So I'm back to square one.

God, I'm getting so sick of this.

1 arrows through the heart | Purify Me

Results. [8.21.07 - 7.21pm]
[ mood | worried ]

Well, the doctor called with the results to the transvaginal ultrasound that I had done last Thursday. I may have an answer for part of my pain. She told me that I have a big tumor on my uterus, so tomorrow, I get to go pay the OB-Gyn a visit to find out what I do next.

I may have a reason for having so many miscarriages now. Apparently, one of my ovaries is malformed? I can't remember what the exact term for it is, but it was news to me. Anyway, she said it was "normal and no reason to worry about that".

She also said she's pretty sure that I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome...for which nothing can be done except watching that I get enough fiber in my diet. My mom thinks I also have diverticulitis (she was just diagnosed with it and IBS, and it seems to run in my family).

I really don't want to go through another surgery, but I may have no other choice to rid myself of this pain. Dammit, I hope this takes care of it because ever since the woman shoved that wand-like instrument up me, I've been hurting like crazy and bleeding some.

Heh, tumor. In my mom's family, this is usually a precursor to cancer.

One good thing I almost forgot. A few months ago, Jeremy and I heard this song on a local station (94.9/The Sound; they stream online, too, and they're the best station I've ever listened to, playing obscure stuff mixed in with new and old rock hits). For a long time, we thought it sounded like Sting (or The Police). Well, I finally caught the name of the band and the song today, and I'll be damned...it's a band fronted by Sting's son called Fiction Plane. The name of the song is Two Sisters.

Here's a video of the song when they played on Jimmy Kimmel.Collapse )

Got the album. It's pretty solid. If you like Sting or The Police, you should give this band a listen.

2 arrows through the heart | Purify Me

So wtf. [8.19.07 - 2.09pm]
OK, I've obviously missed something. First, DA started deleting shit all over the place with no warning, and now LJ's doing stupid shit, apparently. What the hell did I miss? What new neo-conservative group has LJ's/Six Apart's panties in a twist, this time?
3 arrows through the heart | Purify Me

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]