この 闇 の 辺り ([info]kokoro_no_yami) wrote,
@ 2007-09-04 17:38:00
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Current mood: melancholy

A Wistful Whangdepootenawah of Woebegone.
OK, I've really got to start putting more effort into this novel I'm working on.

Damn, I sit here listening to my older brothers jamming on YouTube, and I think, "God, look at all they've accomplished. What the fuck have I done again?" Yeah, so they got all of the instrumental talent, and I got the vocal. Outside of singing in school and winning awards, what else have I done with it?

I'm sick of being told I'm talented at something. I'm sick of looking good enough to be a professional, but I lack the self-esteem to go and become one. Why?

I'm afraid of rejection and failure. Pure and simple.

Success has always come with a price. It's like I'm waiting for the "...but" to come, constantly. I'm expecting it to happen. Being in PACE: "You're a smart kid, but you don't attend church, so I'm afraid you'll have to leave the group." Honor Society: "We'd love to let you join, but you have to participate in community activities like church." Senior Art Award: "You're a great artist, really, but your work is too weird and adult to win scholarships from the local groups, so you'll have to settle for this award." National Choral Award: "You're the best singer I've conducted, outside of your older brother, but if you don't pick it up these last few days in time for graduation, you're going to make me regret giving you that award." Holy fuck, I had a sore throat, and I was beyond depressed because I was graduating and moving away at the same time. What the hell did he want me to do? One hoarse soprano can't make up for 7 other dumb cunts who either lip sync or sing so softly you could hear a fucking pin drop!

Writing is what I've always had to keep me going. It's the only thing I have that sets me apart from my brothers, where I can actually feel sort of special when people say, "Wow, you're so good! How do you do that?"

It's the only thing I've ever done where I can remember receiving some praise from my dad.

I was 11, and my parents were newly divorced. It's not as if I'd never written anything before, but it was after that when I started to really pick up the tempo -- working on more than just fanciful romantic poetry crap, more than just wannabe rock song lyrics. I'd been reading through my dad's Stephen King collection (something verboten with my mom around), and I'd started writing my first horror story. One day, my dad picked it up while I was in the bathroom, read through some of it, and when I returned, he asked me about it. I can still hear his voice in my head: "This is really good."

Ever since that moment, I knew what my main passion had to be. If my writing was enough to get his attention, then I was talented. I could find my place in life, my calling. I could be someone special. I could finally have a chance to shine on my own and not be compared to my older brothers.

If I had a band, our name would be Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness. Yeah, yeah...Billy Corgan beat me to it with an album, but still. Misery is like a loyal mistress to me, and she must be obeyed.

So many thoughts racing through my head, but they all pulsate to the same rhythm...a never-ending chorus together singing an aria of "If you make it, everyone will love you."

It cannot be denied.


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[info]marcosbnpinto
2007-09-06 07:52 pm UTC (link)
I didn´t knew you had a musical talent as well, though I already knew out from your artwork that you are skilled so on that as well!

Not to forget to mention that you were writing since such an early age!

I don´t use the terms of how many years a person has, but the amount of lively experience he, or she gathered, put on actual work.
However, what a child of 11 could claim, except pure Talent?
So you have it.

However,
I understand that can be so difficult to construct for oneself a self-esteem basis given such case - though you still must realize that you ARE a creative genius, and that drive still and would ever be on you; what happens is that, once it isn´t supposrted by the beginning, one starts to seriously doubt of their own capacity( not forgetting that any author tends to be its WORST critic oneself ), because the true Telent can be expressed by many ways, but, ought to life circumstances, not all of those were encouraged to go on, if not, even no one of those is encouraged( even, frankly discouraged, like was in my case - the typical "it woudn´t give you a future" blabber )at all.

But you seemed to have found your own way on writing, out of many others you could express yourself and pass on something; I think that it IS worth the effort, and that IS worth the risk - what could be a "failure" anyway?

To get refused by some editors?
Many writers got it, just to be accepted by others and have sucess with it - it´s just part of the process; it mainly( but not only, since writing also has a deal of business )depends on how good you can be doing that.
I think that, as a writer, you can do it.

I tell you that because I somewhat can relate( though I´m a mere doodler myself and my own habitatisn´t ever promising )many times, a professional needs to refine its work, and make it better than its previous version.

By the way, don´t you feel like you were writing better than when you started? I think so.

So,
Even if you do a 90% masterpiece, somehow, someone( even you )would indicate that it is least of 10% to make it really perfect, so it´s also a writer´s issue to rewrite "the 10% that´s being lacked for to make it PERFECT" - however... both cases are the worst things that you could need to face - though aren´t ALL that bad!

Those things would just mean that you´d need to rework something, or, eventually, look after someone else with a broader vision to edit/advise on your work.

Otherwise,
The fear of rejection or failure, once it could prevent you to look after your happiness thru your work would BE a failure itself, and one of the most regretable ones indeed because would be YOU the oen who would impose it to yourself - and certainly I´d never wish that for you; you have the Talent( that is inherent ), you have the Skill( that you worked on thru your writing all those years ), now, what a bout the Will?

If you believe in yourself, not only as other people could do( in fact, all that we can do is to testimony what you have - so it´s an oxymoron of a fact )but truly realizing that what you know to do is worth the effort( otehrwise, why to do it? )and the risk( that isn´t all that bad, given what I just said to you )to accomlish your happiness... why to doubt you could make it?

That´s not a mere matter on "how much people could love you if you make it" it´s morelike a matter of "how much you would love to make it" instead 0- the rest... is a consequence.

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